When she was nine years old, my oldest daughter started to get frustrated and angry much more often and easily. I wondered if puberty and hormones were to blame. She was going to dance and playing with friends without any issues. Her day-to-day life wasn’t affected…until it was.

Her grades started to slip. She was crying more often. To try to understand what was happening, I started taking note of the circumstances that would lead to her feeling more upset or angry. She told me that the bus ride to school left her nervous and arriving at school drained and without any energy. We talked about it, but I still didn’t fully understand the issue. Finally, she told me that she wanted to talk to someone because she felt that I wasn’t listening to her. OUCH. I realized that I did not know how to handle this situation and that, through my lack of understanding it, I may have been dismissing some of her concerns and invalidating some of her feelings without even knowing it.

She started seeing a therapist, who helped us identify the problem: Anxiety. For my daughter, her anxiety led her to getting upset and yelling at us or her sister. I would react with anger, thinking the culprit was puberty and she was just going through a mean phase because of the changes she was experiences in her own body. I did not understand the root cause.

She and her therapist began identifying the situations that caused my daughter anxiety, like the bus ride to school, dance workshops, and the dentist. The therapist recommended that they work on one thing at a time and gave my daughter some coping tools and skills. During their sessions, the therapist would give my daughter fidget toys to play with to help alleviate her anxiety as they talked, so we ordered some for her to use throughout her day. They also used feelings cards and talked about using a white board to set goals for the day. At the end of the day, she could then go through the cards to assess how the day went. We invested in these tools as well.

We also decided that I would drive her to school since the bus was such a significant source of anxiety that impacted her day from the outset. She was so anxious about it that she would pretend to be sick to avoid the bus – not school, but the bus. This small change made a huge difference, not just for her, but also for our whole family’s morning routine.  She became so much more calm in the mornings, making the whole morning routine more calm for everyone, and I haven’t had to fight with her to get her to go to school since.

Therapy has helped us to talk openly about her anxiety. It has helped her learn to redirect her frustration at her sister to her fidget toys or to talking about her feelings with me. It has educated me about the real problem. It has provided her with the tools she needs to cope and us with the skills to help her work through her anxiety.

Here is a great example of her therapy in action. Dance is one thing she LOVES. Right before a holiday performance, she told me she couldn’t go on stage. We used some of the coping skills she had learned, but I had to leave the decision to her. I simply went to the audience and prayed she would get on the stage. To my pleasant surprise, there she was! One of the other moms told me later that she had worked with her a bit after I left and had asked her to help her daughter with her nerves, as she was performing for the first time. AHHH! There it was, the redirection that is often needed to break through the anxiety. Sometimes we as parents are so close to the challenge that we can’t see it. Thank goodness for dance moms – or whoever your village is – who stick together and jump in when someone is in need.

My daughter is now 13 and is a super pleasant teenager (knock on wood!). She never ended up needing medication, but I was open to it if we couldn’t course correct with therapy and coping skills. I am so proud that she allows me to share her story in hopes that it will help other girls see they can overcome their fears too.

For me, I feel it’s important for all of us parents to know that it is OK to seek therapy for your child. It is OK to cry. It is OK to vent. Most important, IT IS OK TO ASK FOR HELP!! Not a single one of those actions is a sign of weakness or of failure; in fact, knowing when you need help is the greatest strength.

Here are some pictures of and Amazon links to the fidget toys that my daughter likes the best. Click on the image to see the toy on Amazon.